Is it me?

Day #20 of the challenge: Get real. Share something you are struggling with right now.

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You may have noted in my "To my future employer" post that I mentioned that I've been struggling with depression. I'll admit, I can be a negative Nelly at times, I had horrible self-esteem when I was younger and I still struggle with being happy with who I am. However the past year has been really rough. I knew that the odds of me finding a job right after graduation were probably slim, however I thought that MAYBE I would have made more progress in the past year. And to be honest the lack of finding a job has really taken a toll on my emotions. My self-esteem as taken blow after blow with each rejection (or lack thereof...I'm not sure which is worse). 

My amazing husband has been the one to be there to give me encouragement and a shoulder to cry on. And there have been plenty of tears, lots and lots of tears. I have some days, sometimes even weeks where I'm doing okay, but then there are days and nights where I'm so consumed with stress that I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and stay there. It's not just about finding a job, it's about becoming a productive member of society and of our family. I worked my butt off to finish my degrees and now I have an expensive piece of paper hanging on my wall. I want to do something I LOVE, not just collect a paycheck. There have been nights where I've laid awake, my mind racing, wondering when I'm going to be able to say "I love what I do." Right now I feel like a failure, like all of that hard work getting an education was nothing but a waste of time. Then it spirals into me wondering what is keeping me from finding a job in the first place. There isn't anything wrong with my resume, I've had it looked over. So what is the problem? Yes I have a Master's Degree...that doesn't mean I'm not willing to start at an entry-level position earning entry-level pay...because I am. And I'm not overqualified....believe me I am far from overqualified considering my lack of experience. Like I said in the other post, my working experience involves asking customers if I can scan their frequent shopper card and if they would like a bag for their purchases. I just want someone to give me chance!

With each week and month that goes by I find it harder and harder to keep a positive outlook, which is partly why I've been so "vocal" about blogging my experience. My husband has been my biggest supporter, but I finding blogging to be quite therapeutic. And I'll be honest, there's a part of me who hopes that someone will stumble across my little blog and think, "I like the cut of her jib. Let's give her a shot."

So if you are reading this....here I am...I'm not going to pretend to be someone else....I'm not perfect, but I'm me....

Until then.....

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